Retarded Elephants 2
by theyawningtortoise
Summary: A BG2 parady


Iranicus looked at the pitiful creature before him.

"_This is a child of Bhaal?"_ He thought as the Bhaal spawn began to stir.

"So the child of Bhaal has awoken." Iranicus said after the Bhaal spawn came to his senses. "It is time for more…" Iranicus thought for the right word. "…Experiments" he finally said with a sadistic smile. "I don't expect you to fully understand what I am doing. It's that you have something, and I covet it. You're soul has power, and I intend to take that power. You know I'll be honest with you I was once an elf you know. I grew up in the elvish city of Suldanessellar, it's a short distance east of Athkatla, where we are now, just south of the small town of Trademeet, near the mountains. I had a happy childhood. I began to study The Art at the age of 90, you know it's funny really, how I got interested in magic. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday." Iranicus let out a small grin at the remembrance of his own childhood. "You see there was an older elf that was sort of like an older brother to me, and well he was studying magic at the time, and we would use his knowledge of magic to get in to all sorts of trouble." Iranicus let out a chuckle, "Leyyeriin that was his name. Anyway I lived amongst the elves, I even courted our queen, we were real close, she was every thing to me, and it wasn't the loss of my soul that was the worst punishment, but being cast way from her presence. It was Bohdi's idea really, now she's a vampire who seeks to over throw the Shadow Thieves. My life wasn't that bad. It wasn't until I tried to ascend to godhood, that it got bad. The elves striped me of my soul, and I have been dying ever since. This is why I need your soul this is why I do the things I do. Do you understand now?" Iranicus confessed.

The godchild had better things to worry about though. Iranicus turned around to find the Bhaal spawn with his finger in his nose. The Bhaal spawn had his eyes shut tight, as he dug his index finger in deeper.

"Bhaal child?" Iranicus inquired

Suddenly there was a distant explosion. Shortly after that a hideous creature entered the room

"More intruders have entered the complex, master."

They both left, but the Bhaal spwan paid them no heed, as he dug even deeper.

A small girlish looking woman with pink hair entered the room.

"Halarak, get up, we need to…" she saw him as he removed his bloody finger from his nostril.

"Yes?" Halarak asked as he flicked the bloody contents of his finger on to the ground.

"Uhhh." Imoen said dumbfounded.

Halarak just grined. Imoen unlocked Halarak's cage.

Suddenly an eccentric figure appeared before them.

"I, am Jasper St. Baird. Blue the demigoddess of immortal bards told me you needed help. I'm here to teleport you out of this dungeon hell!" the man said with a kindly smile. Imoen let our a smile of her own, finally her luck had turned around.

"Foul beast!" Halarak Screamed as he picked up a random pole that had been lying on the ground and began to bash in the skull of the eclectic bard until poor Jasper was left with out a head.

"You… you fool! Idiot! He was going to free us from here!" Imoen screamed, this was promply followed by other words of a more vulgar nature. The Bhaalspawn simply smiled.

"What ever lets just get out of here." Imoen finally said.

"Fine by me." Halarak said. They promply left to expore more of the duengon.

"Help!" Jaheria screamed, but Imoen and Halarak had already left. Jaheria looked over at minsc. He just sat in his cage talking to a hamster with a big grin on his face. Jaheria shook her head. There was something seriously wrong with that man.

After exploring the dungeon for a while Halarak who was in front of Imoen turned a corner. He immediately jumped back around.

"Look out!" the incompetent Bhaalspawn shouted.

"What is it?" Imoen asked.

"Some hideous monsters I have never seen before." The sword welding bhaalspawn who from hence forth will be refered to as bs for bhaalspawn, because I'm to lazy to write out Bhaalspawn each time, and I'm also to lazy to remember how to spell his name, said.

Imoen slowly looked from behind the corner. There before her were squat green ugly looking creatures.

"Goblins?" imoen asked in disbelief.

"You know of them?" bs asked in disbelief, but Imoen merely shook her head. They fought the goblins, and in the struggle Imoen was wounded.

"You are wounded, we should sleep here tonight." bs said.

"Wow! You're either really brave, or really retarded. My guess is with the last one." Imoen commented.

"And you know what?" bs asked excitedly, his tongue out, while he jumped up and down. "We should share the sleeping bag." He said with a grin. That was followed by a wink, which in turn was followed by a nudge with his elbows, which in turn was followed by him unzipping his pants. "I think we should sleep together, and by that I mean we should…"he began.

"I know what you mean!" Imoen yelled. "I'm not stupid!" she continued, but bs simply began to unzip his pants. Imoen sighed. "We don't even have a sleeping bag!" she yelled.

"Yes we do" bs said as he pointed to the six sleeping bags, a tent, food, equipment to prepare and cook the food, sundries and other stuff nobody really wants to think about, also for some reason gold did not weigh them down, no matter how much they carried. bs began to unzip his pants. He also grined.

------

Imoen lay in her bag. "I still don't see why I don't get a bag, there are 5 more" bs said.

-----

During there escape which seemed to take forever, but only lasted a five days, the protagonists met a man.

"I" the katana wielding man said "am Yoshimo." The katana wielding man said.

"Oh! like the little green dinosaur!" bs said.

"the little green what?" Imoen asked.

"the little green what?" Yoshimo asked.

"the little green what?" princess peach asked?

"I just need some help." Yoshimo said.

"Sure you can join us." bs said.

"I don't know if we should trust him." Imoen confessed.

"I can't do this." Yoshimo sobbed. "Iranicus cursed me, he cast a spell on me. I have to betray you, or else."

"I don't see why you don't trust him, its not like he's gunna betray us" bs said to his pink haired friend.

Eventually they found the exit, sun light poured in through a hole in the wall. They could here fighting and explosions, that should have logically ended about a week ago, but was if it was just beginning.


End file.
